Words for the hard talks

• "I just updated my own will and health care papers. Have you done yours?"
• "If you were in the hospital and couldn't speak for yourself, who would you want making decisions?"
• "What matters most to you about how you live the next ten years?"

What helps

• Talking about your own planning first makes the subject feel normal.
• Ask about values before documents: what a good day looks like, and what they fear most.
• Write down what you hear and share it with them to check you got it right.
• The Conversation Project offers a free starter kit for talking about end-of-life wishes.

• "How do you feel about driving these days? Is anything harder, like nights or highways?"
• "If driving ever got hard, how would you want to get around?"
• "Would you be open to a driving check, so we both know where things stand?"

• "What would make it easier to keep living here?"
• "If the stairs got hard, what would you want to do?"
• "Would you want to look at a few places together, just to know the options?"

What helps

• Start with changes to the home: grab bars, better lighting, a bedroom on the main floor.
• Ask the doctor about a home safety visit from an occupational therapist.
• Try a few hours of help a week first. Present it as help for you, if that is easier for them to accept.
• If a move is on the table, visit together, stay for a meal, and let them make as many choices as possible.

• "If you were sick for a while, who would you want to pay the bills?"
• "Could we make a list of where things are, just in case?"
• "I read about a scam aimed at people your age. Has anyone called asking for money or gift cards?"

What helps

• Ask where important papers and accounts are kept. Amounts can wait.
• Offer to set up automatic bill pay and account alerts together.
• Ask the bank or brokerage about naming a trusted contact on each account.
• Make a simple rule together: no money moves because of a phone call, text or email.

• "You mentioned you've been forgetting things. Have you noticed it too?"
• "Your yearly checkup is coming up. Would you like to mention memory? I can come along."

What helps

• Lead with health. Some memory problems have treatable causes, such as medication side effects, thyroid problems, low vitamin B12, depression or infections.
• Medicare's yearly wellness visit includes a check for memory and thinking changes.
• Talk about legal papers soon. They must be signed while your loved one can still understand them.
• The Alzheimer's Association helpline, 800-272-3900, is open 24 hours a day.

• "Can we all get on a call about Mom? I'd like us to hear the same facts at the same time."
• "Here's what I'm doing each week. What could you take on?"

What helps

• Share updates with everyone at once, by group text or a shared document.
• Divide jobs by strengths and distance: the sibling far away can handle bills, calls or research.
• Include your parent in decisions about their life whenever possible.
• If talks stall, a geriatric care manager or elder mediator can lead a family meeting.

• "If something happened to one of us, would the other know where everything is?"
• "Let's each write down what we'd want if we got sick."

What helps

• Do your planning papers together, so neither of you is singled out.
• List who handles what at home: bills, passwords, the car, medications. Teach each other the jobs.
• Talk about outside help early, while it is still a choice.